Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Asher Brown was brutally bullied by his classmates at a middle school in the Cy-Fair Independent School District—he was subjected to constant verbal and physical assault—and not one of his tormenters were ever punished, no one was suspended, no one was expelled. Asher Brown, in despair, took his own life.
Tyler Clementi, a gay freshman at Rutgers University, has taken his life by jumping off of the George Washington Bridge last week after two classmates secretly filmed him having sex and then broadcast it over the internet. Two Rutgers University students have been charged with invasion of privacy for allegedly placing a camera in the 18-year-old student’s room in the Davidson residence on the Busch campus.
Seth Walsh is the 13-year-old boy who attempted suicide last week after enduring years of bullying at the hands of his classmates and peers in Tehachapi, California. Seth was being home schooled because the abuse at his middle school was so severe. But the bullies didn't relent: they harassed Seth at his home, on the street, in parks. Seth Walsh was removed from life support and died on Tuesday.
It's really hard not to let this get to me, not to let this drag me down. These three stories are, sadly, not rare or unique by any means. At least two lgbt teens right here in Appleton have committed suicide in the past few weeks. People are doing something, like Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project, which he created after reading about the death of Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old from Indiana who took is own life after merciless bullying and an anemic reaction from school officials. I'm glad projects like this exist and I'm actually planning to make a video for the project, but these three recent stories really got to me this morning. I don't know . . . I should go for a walk.
Tyler Clementi, a gay freshman at Rutgers University, has taken his life by jumping off of the George Washington Bridge last week after two classmates secretly filmed him having sex and then broadcast it over the internet. Two Rutgers University students have been charged with invasion of privacy for allegedly placing a camera in the 18-year-old student’s room in the Davidson residence on the Busch campus.
Seth Walsh is the 13-year-old boy who attempted suicide last week after enduring years of bullying at the hands of his classmates and peers in Tehachapi, California. Seth was being home schooled because the abuse at his middle school was so severe. But the bullies didn't relent: they harassed Seth at his home, on the street, in parks. Seth Walsh was removed from life support and died on Tuesday.
It's really hard not to let this get to me, not to let this drag me down. These three stories are, sadly, not rare or unique by any means. At least two lgbt teens right here in Appleton have committed suicide in the past few weeks. People are doing something, like Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project, which he created after reading about the death of Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old from Indiana who took is own life after merciless bullying and an anemic reaction from school officials. I'm glad projects like this exist and I'm actually planning to make a video for the project, but these three recent stories really got to me this morning. I don't know . . . I should go for a walk.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Brandy Alexander
I've been very bad and haven't posted since I've gotten back to school. Whoops. In my defense, adjusting has been kind of nuts but I think I'm starting to get into a rhythm that I'm happy with. There was some initial relationship (now un-relationship) drama which was difficult but it also forced me to confront a lot of my own issues regarding relationships in general, namely -
1. Sometimes people who (supposedly) once cared about you do bad things to you. Sometimes they will not feel bad about it. There's nothing you (I) can do about that. That doesn't give this person a pass, but dwelling on the cruelty and thoughtlessness of others isn't good for me. They have to live with themselves and their choices, and I get to move on with a clear conscience and an open heart. It's harder than it sounds, but I'm trying.
2. My dad once told me, "A sign of adulthood is the ability to live with ambiguity." Sometimes closure just isn't possible, and there's nothing you (I) can do about that either.
3. What I can do something about is make decisions that are good for me, seek out healthy friendships and relationships, and enjoy the little time I have left in my liberal arts bubble.
Coming to terms with really being single for the first time since I was 18 is tricky. I spent so much time centering my life around other people, organizing my time and energy around Us rather than me. I'm not complaining - I made the choice to live that way, and I was happy for a long time, but right now the only way for me to move forward is to get to know myself again as an individual, not as one half of a relationship. It's time.
1. Sometimes people who (supposedly) once cared about you do bad things to you. Sometimes they will not feel bad about it. There's nothing you (I) can do about that. That doesn't give this person a pass, but dwelling on the cruelty and thoughtlessness of others isn't good for me. They have to live with themselves and their choices, and I get to move on with a clear conscience and an open heart. It's harder than it sounds, but I'm trying.
2. My dad once told me, "A sign of adulthood is the ability to live with ambiguity." Sometimes closure just isn't possible, and there's nothing you (I) can do about that either.
3. What I can do something about is make decisions that are good for me, seek out healthy friendships and relationships, and enjoy the little time I have left in my liberal arts bubble.
Coming to terms with really being single for the first time since I was 18 is tricky. I spent so much time centering my life around other people, organizing my time and energy around Us rather than me. I'm not complaining - I made the choice to live that way, and I was happy for a long time, but right now the only way for me to move forward is to get to know myself again as an individual, not as one half of a relationship. It's time.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
To Do
1. Pack like a fiend. I used to enjoy packing, which sounds insane now after I unpacked and re-packed over 10 times this summer. I'm not good with change, but being a sort-of nomad has forced me to be more okay with it.
2. Get new phone. The screen on my poor little phone has pretty much died, so my dad was kind enough to lend me his for a few days but for the life of me I can't figure out how to turn of the T9. T9 drives me crazy - I NEVER can find the word I want, it makes me want to chuck the innocent phone at the wall, etc. I'm currently trapped in that epic battle between good and evil - Android vs. iPhone. Still not sure what I'm going to do about that but I need to get on it pronto.
3. Make sure I get to see everyone at home that I want and need to see. I think I've done a decent job during this home visit, seeing and spending time with everybody who is around and a close friend. I hate leaving and feeling like I ditched somebody or didn't see as much of someone as I would have liked.
I'm sure there will be more to add to this list, but for now I'm drawing a blank.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
2. Get new phone. The screen on my poor little phone has pretty much died, so my dad was kind enough to lend me his for a few days but for the life of me I can't figure out how to turn of the T9. T9 drives me crazy - I NEVER can find the word I want, it makes me want to chuck the innocent phone at the wall, etc. I'm currently trapped in that epic battle between good and evil - Android vs. iPhone. Still not sure what I'm going to do about that but I need to get on it pronto.
3. Make sure I get to see everyone at home that I want and need to see. I think I've done a decent job during this home visit, seeing and spending time with everybody who is around and a close friend. I hate leaving and feeling like I ditched somebody or didn't see as much of someone as I would have liked.
I'm sure there will be more to add to this list, but for now I'm drawing a blank.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Monday, September 6, 2010
Home
Being home has been fantastic. Probably the best at-home break I've had in a while. To be fair, I've been completely ignoring my responsibilities (cleaning, packing, etc.) and spending a lot of time sleeping, hanging out with people (Andy, Joe, Robin, Deb) and eating. I also spent a few days in Minneapolis with high school friends Joe, Dan, Jess & Betsy. I highly recommend all of their blogs if you're at all interested in gender warfare, libation creation and general intelligent discussion. I love these people and am proud to still be close with them even though we don't see each other very often.
The school year is rapidly approaching and while I'm not in full-panic mode, I'm starting to get a little anxious. This past school year was...a challenge, to say the least. Calling it "hell" may be a bit hyperbolic, but it was no picnic, let me tell you. I want this year to be better. I need this year to be better. Right now I'm practicing deep breathing and telling myself that I have the power to make that change. I DO have the power to make that change.
I came across this picture last year and it helped me more than I really care to admit. I hope it helps you too:
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The "Inconvenience" Myth
One of my favorite pro-choice blogs, Abortion Gang, recently made a post regarding the common anti-choice assertion that most women who choose abortion do so out of "convenience." While to me this argument sounds absurd from the get-go, this post articulately deconstructs what arguments like this are really saying:
If you’re a pro-choicer who has had any experience with anti-choicers, then I’m sure you’ve heard something like this: “Rape/incest only makes up for 2% of abortions. The rest are done because the pregnancy is inconvenient.”
Yeah. Right.
There are quite a few things in life that I consider to be inconveniences. For example, having to take the stairs because the elevator is out of order is an inconvenience. Having to wait to be seated at a restaurant is an inconvenience. Having to stop at a red light when you’re late for work is an inconvenience. Nine months of pregnancy is not an inconvenience, and neither is a life time of motherhood. Nothing that is life changing, possibly life ending, and potentially traumatizing (as pregnancy can be) should ever be described as a mere “inconvenience”. Do we say that being raped is an inconvenience? No (at least, most of us don’t). Do we claim that having a family member or other loved one die is a mere inconvenience? Absolutely not. Does anyone ever call cancer an inconvenience? Hell no. So why do antis think it’s okay to call pregnancy and motherhood a mere “inconvenience”?
I believe this has everything to do with undermining women’s experiences and needs. Antis are infamous for doing this. They pretend that pregnancy and motherhood is no big deal. They lie to women and tell them that they will regret their abortion while telling women who don’t regret their abortions that “they will someday”. They neglect the experiences of rape survivors by telling them that going through a pregnancy will make everything better, that it will make the trauma go away.
One problem with the inconvenience myth is that it implies that having an abortion is a convenient option. If you ask anyone who works for an abortion fund, you will hear that many women have to jump through hoop after hoop in order to obtain an abortion. Many young women either have to obtain permission from their parents to get an abortion or find out how to get a judicial bypass to be able to make their choice. Some women have to find a way to have an abortion behind her abusive partner’s back because he disapproves of the procedure. Poor, underprivileged women, in many cases, have to pawn some of their possessions and borrow money from friends and family in order to have an abortion, but by the time they collect the money, some of them have to collect even more money because they are further along in their pregnancies. Ask any of these women how convenient it was for them to have an abortion.
Now, if you ask an anti about the inconvenience myth, they usually end up saying something like “most women say that they had their abortions because they didn’t want to interrupt their education, because they want to carry on with their career, or because they just didn’t want to have a child” and they equate this with “inconvenience”. In other words, they’re saying that a woman’s needs never matter. They portray reasons such as a woman’s career or education as trivial, immature reasons for having an abortion, as if the only reason the woman is having an abortion is because she would rather splurge on $1,000 purses from Saks Fifth Avenue (and honestly, even if that is her only reason, who are we to judge her?). They neglect the fact that men are not the only ones who need an education and a job, and that women don’t all want to be (or can be) stay at home moms. They call a woman who is not ready for a child “selfish”, because she is recognizing her own needs and capabilities at the time instead of entering the world of motherhood prematurely. In other words, they’re telling women that they don’t matter, that their mental and physical health does not matter, and that their future does not matter, and sadly, none of this surprises me. The notion that pregnancy is a mere “inconvenience”, like having to take the stairs instead of the elevator or having to wait to be seated at a restaurant, is ridiculous and misogynistic. It’s another way to hold back women and to demonize them for caring about their own health.
It’s never selfish for a woman to take care of herself. As the saying goes, women hold up half the sky. How are we supposed to hold up half the sky without taking care of ourselves first?
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
If you’re a pro-choicer who has had any experience with anti-choicers, then I’m sure you’ve heard something like this: “Rape/incest only makes up for 2% of abortions. The rest are done because the pregnancy is inconvenient.”
Yeah. Right.
There are quite a few things in life that I consider to be inconveniences. For example, having to take the stairs because the elevator is out of order is an inconvenience. Having to wait to be seated at a restaurant is an inconvenience. Having to stop at a red light when you’re late for work is an inconvenience. Nine months of pregnancy is not an inconvenience, and neither is a life time of motherhood. Nothing that is life changing, possibly life ending, and potentially traumatizing (as pregnancy can be) should ever be described as a mere “inconvenience”. Do we say that being raped is an inconvenience? No (at least, most of us don’t). Do we claim that having a family member or other loved one die is a mere inconvenience? Absolutely not. Does anyone ever call cancer an inconvenience? Hell no. So why do antis think it’s okay to call pregnancy and motherhood a mere “inconvenience”?
I believe this has everything to do with undermining women’s experiences and needs. Antis are infamous for doing this. They pretend that pregnancy and motherhood is no big deal. They lie to women and tell them that they will regret their abortion while telling women who don’t regret their abortions that “they will someday”. They neglect the experiences of rape survivors by telling them that going through a pregnancy will make everything better, that it will make the trauma go away.
One problem with the inconvenience myth is that it implies that having an abortion is a convenient option. If you ask anyone who works for an abortion fund, you will hear that many women have to jump through hoop after hoop in order to obtain an abortion. Many young women either have to obtain permission from their parents to get an abortion or find out how to get a judicial bypass to be able to make their choice. Some women have to find a way to have an abortion behind her abusive partner’s back because he disapproves of the procedure. Poor, underprivileged women, in many cases, have to pawn some of their possessions and borrow money from friends and family in order to have an abortion, but by the time they collect the money, some of them have to collect even more money because they are further along in their pregnancies. Ask any of these women how convenient it was for them to have an abortion.
Now, if you ask an anti about the inconvenience myth, they usually end up saying something like “most women say that they had their abortions because they didn’t want to interrupt their education, because they want to carry on with their career, or because they just didn’t want to have a child” and they equate this with “inconvenience”. In other words, they’re saying that a woman’s needs never matter. They portray reasons such as a woman’s career or education as trivial, immature reasons for having an abortion, as if the only reason the woman is having an abortion is because she would rather splurge on $1,000 purses from Saks Fifth Avenue (and honestly, even if that is her only reason, who are we to judge her?). They neglect the fact that men are not the only ones who need an education and a job, and that women don’t all want to be (or can be) stay at home moms. They call a woman who is not ready for a child “selfish”, because she is recognizing her own needs and capabilities at the time instead of entering the world of motherhood prematurely. In other words, they’re telling women that they don’t matter, that their mental and physical health does not matter, and that their future does not matter, and sadly, none of this surprises me. The notion that pregnancy is a mere “inconvenience”, like having to take the stairs instead of the elevator or having to wait to be seated at a restaurant, is ridiculous and misogynistic. It’s another way to hold back women and to demonize them for caring about their own health.
It’s never selfish for a woman to take care of herself. As the saying goes, women hold up half the sky. How are we supposed to hold up half the sky without taking care of ourselves first?
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Culture Shock pt. 2
So that whole thing from my previous entry was resolved - a tire was (somehow) found, we left Holbrook and spent a lovely day in Santa Fe.
This morning, however, as we were bumbling along on our way to Pueblo, Colorado, the engine overheats, the air conditioning shuts off, the power steering gets messed up, and the battery light starts flashing.
WHAT THE. I CAN'T EVEN. OH MY GOD.
We managed to make it to Raton, New Mexico, where we are now stuck. On Monday we'll find out how long it will take to fix everything (we discovered that the belt had broken, which may have caused or been caused by the power steering or AC). There's really nothing we can do at this point so I'm trying to just relax, which is harder than it sounds. A Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family is helping, however. This whole thing has just been really frustrating and draining, which isn't particularly helping to soothe my anxiety about this coming school year. I'm way to stuck in my head and it's not good for me. Going to MN w/ Joe should be really great, though, so I hope we can make that work.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
This morning, however, as we were bumbling along on our way to Pueblo, Colorado, the engine overheats, the air conditioning shuts off, the power steering gets messed up, and the battery light starts flashing.
WHAT THE. I CAN'T EVEN. OH MY GOD.
We managed to make it to Raton, New Mexico, where we are now stuck. On Monday we'll find out how long it will take to fix everything (we discovered that the belt had broken, which may have caused or been caused by the power steering or AC). There's really nothing we can do at this point so I'm trying to just relax, which is harder than it sounds. A Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family is helping, however. This whole thing has just been really frustrating and draining, which isn't particularly helping to soothe my anxiety about this coming school year. I'm way to stuck in my head and it's not good for me. Going to MN w/ Joe should be really great, though, so I hope we can make that work.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Talk About Culture Shock...
I am currently stranded with my father in Holbrook, Arizona. This is so not okay.
Here's the story: On July 4th my grandfather passed away at his home in Honolulu, Hawaii, with his wife and three daughters by his side. I wish I could have gone to the memorial but unfortunately that just wasn't feasible. Shortly after his passing my grandmother decided to give me his car, a dark blue 2001 Saab 9-5. 'Great!' I thought. 'I finally have a reason to really learn to drive and since neither my grandfather nor my grandmother drove all that much the car should be in pretty good shape.' My mom subsequently shipped the vehicle from Honolulu to Long Beach, CA.
After my internship (sadly) ended on the 13th I flew out of JFK and met my dad at LAX. We spent about two days in LA and, naturally, went to Long Beach to pick up the car. Everything was going swimmingly. After a delightful 21st birthday with my dad (during the day) and Ali and her boyfriend Amer (at night) we left LA and headed for Vegas. I'll post pictures once this whole trip is resolved (somehow) but for now I'm just trying to fill you in on why on god's green earth I'm in Holbrook, Arizona, so please forgive my brevity. Vegas was crazy, kind of like adult Disneyland, and while I had a good time I don't how long I'd be able to deal with a place where money is openly regarded as a form of religion. Seeing people with glazed eyes cranking away at slot machines at 8 AM was a bit much for me.
ANYWAY
We only spent one night in Vegas and then left for the Grand Canyon the next morning. Did lots of tourist-y things, stayed at this cute little 'rustic' hotel, did a sunset tour of the canyon, waka waka. Now here's where it starts to fall apart (literally and figuratively): Just as we were about to leave the hotel we discover we have a flat tire. The AAA people come, we squeak along behind them, a few hours later it's patched and we're on our way. That whole thing took up a fair amount of time so we're going to have to skip the Petrified Forest and the Painted Desert which sucks but I can live with that. La la la, driving along, BOOM. 260 miles outside Albuquerque (27 miles from Holbrook, but who's counting) the SAME TIRE blows. We sat there waiting for AAA for . . . 5 or 6 hours on the side of the road. Finally this guy comes to tow us, this takes another hour or so, and then we discover we have an oil leak too. We don't know where this leak is coming from or if we'll be able to fix it, we don't know if we can even get the car to the dealership in Albuquerque, we don't even know if we can find the right size tire in Holbrook. Even if we can get the car to the dealership the likelihood they'll be able to do anything about the leak by the weekend is extremely slim.
I feel awful because this whole project has been a big fat money pit and this car is having problems left and right, not to mention the fact that I was a big proponent of this idea in the first place because who was I to pass up an opportunity for a car like this, right? Dad HAS to be back home in a week because classes at Marquette are starting. I also was planning to drive with Joe to Minnesota to visit Jess, Betsey and Dan, which I would still like to do but I don't know if it'll be possible if the car is a total bust. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see : /
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Here's the story: On July 4th my grandfather passed away at his home in Honolulu, Hawaii, with his wife and three daughters by his side. I wish I could have gone to the memorial but unfortunately that just wasn't feasible. Shortly after his passing my grandmother decided to give me his car, a dark blue 2001 Saab 9-5. 'Great!' I thought. 'I finally have a reason to really learn to drive and since neither my grandfather nor my grandmother drove all that much the car should be in pretty good shape.' My mom subsequently shipped the vehicle from Honolulu to Long Beach, CA.
After my internship (sadly) ended on the 13th I flew out of JFK and met my dad at LAX. We spent about two days in LA and, naturally, went to Long Beach to pick up the car. Everything was going swimmingly. After a delightful 21st birthday with my dad (during the day) and Ali and her boyfriend Amer (at night) we left LA and headed for Vegas. I'll post pictures once this whole trip is resolved (somehow) but for now I'm just trying to fill you in on why on god's green earth I'm in Holbrook, Arizona, so please forgive my brevity. Vegas was crazy, kind of like adult Disneyland, and while I had a good time I don't how long I'd be able to deal with a place where money is openly regarded as a form of religion. Seeing people with glazed eyes cranking away at slot machines at 8 AM was a bit much for me.
ANYWAY
We only spent one night in Vegas and then left for the Grand Canyon the next morning. Did lots of tourist-y things, stayed at this cute little 'rustic' hotel, did a sunset tour of the canyon, waka waka. Now here's where it starts to fall apart (literally and figuratively): Just as we were about to leave the hotel we discover we have a flat tire. The AAA people come, we squeak along behind them, a few hours later it's patched and we're on our way. That whole thing took up a fair amount of time so we're going to have to skip the Petrified Forest and the Painted Desert which sucks but I can live with that. La la la, driving along, BOOM. 260 miles outside Albuquerque (27 miles from Holbrook, but who's counting) the SAME TIRE blows. We sat there waiting for AAA for . . . 5 or 6 hours on the side of the road. Finally this guy comes to tow us, this takes another hour or so, and then we discover we have an oil leak too. We don't know where this leak is coming from or if we'll be able to fix it, we don't know if we can even get the car to the dealership in Albuquerque, we don't even know if we can find the right size tire in Holbrook. Even if we can get the car to the dealership the likelihood they'll be able to do anything about the leak by the weekend is extremely slim.
I feel awful because this whole project has been a big fat money pit and this car is having problems left and right, not to mention the fact that I was a big proponent of this idea in the first place because who was I to pass up an opportunity for a car like this, right? Dad HAS to be back home in a week because classes at Marquette are starting. I also was planning to drive with Joe to Minnesota to visit Jess, Betsey and Dan, which I would still like to do but I don't know if it'll be possible if the car is a total bust. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see : /
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Thursday, August 12, 2010
How to Be Alone
Figuring out how to be alone was one of my goals this summer. It's certainly been a struggle and I've not yet reached a state of complete comfort in being alone, but I've definitely made progress. I take myself out on dates a few times a week and sit in coffee shops or book stores by myself. I've always been a highly social creature but I think remembering how to enjoy those moments of silence is important for my own sanity.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Proud Mama Intern
This past Friday we went to a ropes course and I was so proud of how much they accomplished. They worked as a team to solve problems and seeing some learn how to listen rather than talk or talk rather than listen was awe-inspiring. I also finally took a bunch of pictures!
Problem-solving. They managed to complete the task in under 15 minutes, completely shocking both the ropes course staff member (who happens to be a former Interlaken counselor!), Faye, Maya and myself.
Teamwork. A beautiful sight to behold.
Giving me the stink eye.
Maya is spiderwoman.
I did it!
They were so committed to every activity, I was close to tears at the end of the day because I was so floored by their bravery.
Problem-solving. They managed to complete the task in under 15 minutes, completely shocking both the ropes course staff member (who happens to be a former Interlaken counselor!), Faye, Maya and myself.
Teamwork. A beautiful sight to behold.
Giving me the stink eye.
Maya is spiderwoman.
I did it!
They were so committed to every activity, I was close to tears at the end of the day because I was so floored by their bravery.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Letting Go
In a moment of frustration a friend of mine recently distilled people into several types using the metaphor of a party. There's the person who has had a few too many and is out of control and throwing up, there's the person ignoring the person throwing up because it isn't their problem, and there's the person getting water for the person throwing up and cleaning up vomit. He felt he was always the person cleaning up and it was starting to wear on him a little. Obviously people and life are more complicated than that, but I'd be lying if I said that sometimes I feel like I don't know how to be anything other than the person cleaning up.
The trouble is, where do you draw the line? How many nights can you spend cleaning up after people who don't know their limits without starting to resent them (and your own cleaning-up compulsions)? One thing that we spend a fair amount of time talking about at TORCH is personal responsibility. We teach the youth that they need to be responsible for their own physical, emotional and mental health, that taking control of their lives and (reproductive) choices is important. We teach them that you can't save a person - they have to want to save themselves. In the context of reproductive justice, this sounds fairly straightforward. In the context of day-to-day life, however, I don't know how good I am at applying this.
I wish the line were clearer, that there was some marker or sign that a person is at the point where they can only grow and change if they decide that's what they want and that there's nothing I can do to help them make that change. It's something that I struggle with at TORCH and in general, learning when to stop devoting my time, energy and emotion.
Maybe that's a change I need to make.
The trouble is, where do you draw the line? How many nights can you spend cleaning up after people who don't know their limits without starting to resent them (and your own cleaning-up compulsions)? One thing that we spend a fair amount of time talking about at TORCH is personal responsibility. We teach the youth that they need to be responsible for their own physical, emotional and mental health, that taking control of their lives and (reproductive) choices is important. We teach them that you can't save a person - they have to want to save themselves. In the context of reproductive justice, this sounds fairly straightforward. In the context of day-to-day life, however, I don't know how good I am at applying this.
I wish the line were clearer, that there was some marker or sign that a person is at the point where they can only grow and change if they decide that's what they want and that there's nothing I can do to help them make that change. It's something that I struggle with at TORCH and in general, learning when to stop devoting my time, energy and emotion.
Maybe that's a change I need to make.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Heart of the Matter
Both at work and on my other blog (the formatting is a little confusing, I'm sorry about that) domestic abuse has been a popular topic of conversation. My privilege is showing here, but yelling was rare in my house growing up, and hitting wasn't even in my realm of understanding. As a child it never dawned on me that a spouse or parent would actively perpetrate violence against another spouse or child.
Recently a presenter from Day One came to speak to the youth about dating violence. Day One "is the only organization in New York City solely devoted to the issue of teen dating violence," and they focus on helping teens to protect themselves and their peers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice 1 in 3 teenagers experiences abuse in a dating relationship, and this number simply blew me away. This means that every single teenager in the United States knows someone or is someone who is trapped in this vicious cycle of abuse. We are all responsible for the code of silence surrounding abuse.
Perhaps one of the most helpful pieces of knowledge our wonderful presenter Claudia imparted to us was what not to do when a friend or family member is a victim of abuse. Claudia asked each of us to respond to a few prompts, including - Who is the most important person in your life? What is your most treasured possession? Where do you get your information about the outside world? Who do you depend on for support? She then asked us to choose one of these responses that we would cut out of our life. Then another, and another. Eventually, all of our responses were crossed off and we were left with nothing. This, she said, is not only what happens in an abusive relationship, but what we're asking a victim to do when we say things like "Why don't you just break up with him?" We're asking that person to cut possibly vital people and things out of their life. When faced with a situation like this I know that (before this workshop) my gut reaction would have been to say something akin to "Get out! End it!" but now I see that this is not only not helpful, but possibly harmful to the other person.
This entire internship experience is forcing me to confront my own privilege and prejudices on a daily basis, which shouldn't surprise me but somehow wasn't what I was expecting when I embarked on this journey. It's difficult but I feel like I've already grown so much from this experience. I'm going to try to post more, keep an eye out!
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Recently a presenter from Day One came to speak to the youth about dating violence. Day One "is the only organization in New York City solely devoted to the issue of teen dating violence," and they focus on helping teens to protect themselves and their peers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice 1 in 3 teenagers experiences abuse in a dating relationship, and this number simply blew me away. This means that every single teenager in the United States knows someone or is someone who is trapped in this vicious cycle of abuse. We are all responsible for the code of silence surrounding abuse.
Perhaps one of the most helpful pieces of knowledge our wonderful presenter Claudia imparted to us was what not to do when a friend or family member is a victim of abuse. Claudia asked each of us to respond to a few prompts, including - Who is the most important person in your life? What is your most treasured possession? Where do you get your information about the outside world? Who do you depend on for support? She then asked us to choose one of these responses that we would cut out of our life. Then another, and another. Eventually, all of our responses were crossed off and we were left with nothing. This, she said, is not only what happens in an abusive relationship, but what we're asking a victim to do when we say things like "Why don't you just break up with him?" We're asking that person to cut possibly vital people and things out of their life. When faced with a situation like this I know that (before this workshop) my gut reaction would have been to say something akin to "Get out! End it!" but now I see that this is not only not helpful, but possibly harmful to the other person.
This entire internship experience is forcing me to confront my own privilege and prejudices on a daily basis, which shouldn't surprise me but somehow wasn't what I was expecting when I embarked on this journey. It's difficult but I feel like I've already grown so much from this experience. I'm going to try to post more, keep an eye out!
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Change
After a great deal of thought, I have decided to change the trajectory of this blog. While I will continue to post about general observations and experiences, the deeply personal nature of the discussions and interactions I have with the youth are based on a premise of confidentiality. While I certainly would never use their names, I feel the internet is too public a forum to specifically discuss information they divulge to us. I care deeply about these teenagers and would never want to put them in a position where they felt I was violating their trust.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Extremism
Recently a few readers have expressed concern about the extremist bent of my posts. To be honest, I was shocked, confused and upset about this perception about what I'm trying to do with this blog and about my beliefs about choice in general, and I'd like to clarify a few things.
Being actively pro-choice, especially on the internet, is very difficult. I am a rational person, and I am certainly aware that there are those who are critical of or opposed to abortion are evil misogynists trying to oppress women. Not even close. On the other hand however, coming across post after post about the antics 'pro-life' activists is frustrating. For example - cajoling men into feeling like abortion is a direct affront to their masculinity (that can and has lead to murder), promoting religious leaders who believe excommunication is a suitable punishment for 9-year-old rape victim who terminated her pregnancy (she was carrying twins, courtesy of her stepfather) or a nun who suggested a life-saving abortion, actively misleading women and lying to them about potential 'consequences' of abortion, attempting to bomb clinics, murdering of Dr. George Tiller, and shaming and blaming women who choose to have abortions. Over time, it becomes difficult to see the shades of gray. These stories go on and on, and it wears on a person. I let their fanaticism get to me and I recognize that this is my shortcoming, perhaps due to youth and inexperience.
I want to drive home, however, the idea that I am not like these people. I'm not about to go blow up a Crisis Pregnancy Center or shoot an anti-choice activist. I am not a radical, I am not an extremist. My writing here is not a manifesto. I'm just a girl with a blog who believes (to paraphrase) the radical notion that women are people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and as autonomous human beings capable of making decisions about their bodies. I let myself get worked up by the extremism that plays out on blogs and news sites, which is again probably due to my young age.
I'm sad and frustrated that my posts were misconstrued. The image of scary baby-killing bra-burning feminists appears over and over in popular culture and I don't want to perpetuate this myth in any way. I don't really know what to say now, how to appropriately express my belief in choice and exasperation with those who will use any means necessary to prevent women from having a choice. I'm feeling a little defeated, to be honest. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Being actively pro-choice, especially on the internet, is very difficult. I am a rational person, and I am certainly aware that there are those who are critical of or opposed to abortion are evil misogynists trying to oppress women. Not even close. On the other hand however, coming across post after post about the antics 'pro-life' activists is frustrating. For example - cajoling men into feeling like abortion is a direct affront to their masculinity (that can and has lead to murder), promoting religious leaders who believe excommunication is a suitable punishment for 9-year-old rape victim who terminated her pregnancy (she was carrying twins, courtesy of her stepfather) or a nun who suggested a life-saving abortion, actively misleading women and lying to them about potential 'consequences' of abortion, attempting to bomb clinics, murdering of Dr. George Tiller, and shaming and blaming women who choose to have abortions. Over time, it becomes difficult to see the shades of gray. These stories go on and on, and it wears on a person. I let their fanaticism get to me and I recognize that this is my shortcoming, perhaps due to youth and inexperience.
I want to drive home, however, the idea that I am not like these people. I'm not about to go blow up a Crisis Pregnancy Center or shoot an anti-choice activist. I am not a radical, I am not an extremist. My writing here is not a manifesto. I'm just a girl with a blog who believes (to paraphrase) the radical notion that women are people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and as autonomous human beings capable of making decisions about their bodies. I let myself get worked up by the extremism that plays out on blogs and news sites, which is again probably due to my young age.
I'm sad and frustrated that my posts were misconstrued. The image of scary baby-killing bra-burning feminists appears over and over in popular culture and I don't want to perpetuate this myth in any way. I don't really know what to say now, how to appropriately express my belief in choice and exasperation with those who will use any means necessary to prevent women from having a choice. I'm feeling a little defeated, to be honest. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Reflections on Father's Day [a little late, so sue me]
So I know I've gotten terribly behind in my posts, things have just been really crazy. The city is constantly moving, and I spend a good portion of my day on my other blog trying to explain that pro-choice is about options, not oppression. It's exhausting, but I've found that once the vital nature of reproductive rights becomes clear to you it's impossible (for me, at least) to stop trying.
Things are pretty quiet around the office, we're mostly preparing for the youth to arrive on July 1st. I've heard they are a great group, if not a little quiet, and I'm really looking forward to getting to know them and hearing their stories. Although I've only been there a short time, it was immediately apparent that the NARAL employees are completely devoted to making the office a safe space for these youth, a place where they can come and talk or do homework or just hang out. They are invested in their futures and go out of their way to help them in any and every way possible. It's really amazing.
It occurred to me the other day that I managed to make the post for my mother just in time for father's day. I came across this article from Everysaturdaymorning, a blog published by clinic escorts from Louisville, KY -
"Every Saturday Morning wonderful, brave, compassionate volunteers come out before the sun comes up to provide emotional and tactical support for people accessing Reproductive and Sexual medical care. We are a diverse group of people who all work together to make sure this resource is available to our community. We are a decentralized group of autonomous individuals who come together to empower ourselves and others. This is the most effective and non-hierarchical work I have ever participated in and am constantly amazed at the intensity of it all. There are lots of days that I hate that this is even necessary, but it is. And we will keep going because Reproductive and Sexual Justice is essential to a healthy, empowered world. It's simultaneously fascinating, horrifying and uplifting to read first-hand accounts of escort experiences, and the posts are always thought provoking.
The specific article I mentioned above, however, "Father’s Day: Dan’s thoughts" brought me to tears. He describes his rage at the male protesters outside the clinic, "those disapproving men–fathers, grandfathers, and uncles–disapproving of women who could be their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, or even their wives. Disapproving men, withholding their love and attention, ignoring the needs of their young charges who look to them for guidance, look to them for the unconditional love and acceptance expected of a father, look to them for comfort at their times of greatest need. Disapproving men willing to abandon their daughters during their moment of deepest emotional distress, embarrassment, and fear, and leave them to walk through this gauntlet of hatred with a complete stranger, a man who will be in her life for only a few minutes, but is willing and able to be her surrogate father." (emphasis mine).
Naturally, this post made me think about my own father and the unwavering support he has always shown. As I mentioned in my "Dear Mom" post, the women in his family have a history of staunch pro-choice activism but he never pushed me in one direction or another. He allowed me to find this path all on my own, and sure enough, here I am. My heart goes out to the poor, terrified girl the poster describes and makes me want to hug my own father so badly. He has never let me down, not once, and I know he never will. I know that through every challenge and obstacle I will face, he will be there to love and support me every step of the way. I know he will never judge me or abandon me, and for that I am so, so grateful. I know how lucky I am to have a man like my father in my life at all, let alone as my #1 fan. Happy [belated] father's day, Daddy. Your passionate, pro-choice, pro-family, pro-equality Jewish feminist daughter loves you more than words can possibly hope to describe.
Things are pretty quiet around the office, we're mostly preparing for the youth to arrive on July 1st. I've heard they are a great group, if not a little quiet, and I'm really looking forward to getting to know them and hearing their stories. Although I've only been there a short time, it was immediately apparent that the NARAL employees are completely devoted to making the office a safe space for these youth, a place where they can come and talk or do homework or just hang out. They are invested in their futures and go out of their way to help them in any and every way possible. It's really amazing.
It occurred to me the other day that I managed to make the post for my mother just in time for father's day. I came across this article from Everysaturdaymorning, a blog published by clinic escorts from Louisville, KY -
"Every Saturday Morning wonderful, brave, compassionate volunteers come out before the sun comes up to provide emotional and tactical support for people accessing Reproductive and Sexual medical care. We are a diverse group of people who all work together to make sure this resource is available to our community. We are a decentralized group of autonomous individuals who come together to empower ourselves and others. This is the most effective and non-hierarchical work I have ever participated in and am constantly amazed at the intensity of it all. There are lots of days that I hate that this is even necessary, but it is. And we will keep going because Reproductive and Sexual Justice is essential to a healthy, empowered world. It's simultaneously fascinating, horrifying and uplifting to read first-hand accounts of escort experiences, and the posts are always thought provoking.
The specific article I mentioned above, however, "Father’s Day: Dan’s thoughts" brought me to tears. He describes his rage at the male protesters outside the clinic, "those disapproving men–fathers, grandfathers, and uncles–disapproving of women who could be their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, or even their wives. Disapproving men, withholding their love and attention, ignoring the needs of their young charges who look to them for guidance, look to them for the unconditional love and acceptance expected of a father, look to them for comfort at their times of greatest need. Disapproving men willing to abandon their daughters during their moment of deepest emotional distress, embarrassment, and fear, and leave them to walk through this gauntlet of hatred with a complete stranger, a man who will be in her life for only a few minutes, but is willing and able to be her surrogate father." (emphasis mine).
Naturally, this post made me think about my own father and the unwavering support he has always shown. As I mentioned in my "Dear Mom" post, the women in his family have a history of staunch pro-choice activism but he never pushed me in one direction or another. He allowed me to find this path all on my own, and sure enough, here I am. My heart goes out to the poor, terrified girl the poster describes and makes me want to hug my own father so badly. He has never let me down, not once, and I know he never will. I know that through every challenge and obstacle I will face, he will be there to love and support me every step of the way. I know he will never judge me or abandon me, and for that I am so, so grateful. I know how lucky I am to have a man like my father in my life at all, let alone as my #1 fan. Happy [belated] father's day, Daddy. Your passionate, pro-choice, pro-family, pro-equality Jewish feminist daughter loves you more than words can possibly hope to describe.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Day 2
Today started a little late (I didn't need to be at the office until 12:30) but around the NARAL offices things were pretty busy. I got to meet the other TORCH intern, Maya, who is a grad student at Columbia. We both are really passionate about what we're doing and I think we'll work well together. A good portion of the day was spent going over orientation material, discussing the structure of the program and the roles we will play.
I asked Faye a question that had been on my mind for some time - we're going to be working very closely with the teenage group and the subject matter we're covering can get very personal. Is there some kind of party line as to how much personal information we are allowed to share with them? This question came out of a previous experience as a counselor when there was a camper who clearly needed support and guidance but due to restrictions on how personal a counselor can get with a camper, I never was able to sit down and talk out the issue with the camper in question. I always have felt badly about it, and it was part of the reason I didn't return to that job. Faye assured me that we can share as much as we feel comfortable sharing, which put me at ease. I don't particularly feel the need to fill the group in on the details of my personal life, but being able to be frank and honest about their questions and concerns is key in establishing trust and open communication.
This past fall I watched a movie for class called Dreamworlds 3: Desire, Sex and Power in Music Video. The first time I watched it, I was completely blown away. My family didn't get cable until I left for college (how convenient) so I've never been particularly well-versed in the world of MTV or music videos, but I think even those who grew up watching the channel will be shocked and appalled once the images are put into context. The film does a beautiful job connecting the highly constructed portrayals of femininity and masculinity from the "dreamworld" of music videos to real-life street harassment, sexual assault, stalking and rape. The entire film can be viewed on YouTube, and I encourage everyone to see it. I'd really like to show this film to the group and discuss how these images play directly into rape culture, but it's a little long and I want to keep them engaged. What I'm probably going to end up doing is just showing selections interspersed with discussion. I think (and hope) they'll be able to relate to the analysis the film puts forth, particularly when it comes to experiences of street harassment (which is sadly common in New York - I've been here since Friday and I've been whistled at, catcalled at, and been subjected to unwanted advances more than a few times). I have to admit, I'll be a little disappointed if they're not as into it as I am, but I suppose I'll have to wait and see.
On a side note, I keep a tumblr that focuses primarily on abortion as well as a number of other queer and feminist issues (and arguing with 15-year-olds who have a bad habit of essentializing, slut-shaming and victim-blaming), but today I got a message that made it all worth it:
"I'm seriously considering renaming my blog 'what naomiwaxman said.' Thanks for the always erudite and on-point posts. It gives me something to aspire to."
Just that one little comment made my day. It's amazing how much a little positive reinforcement can reinvigorate a person.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
I asked Faye a question that had been on my mind for some time - we're going to be working very closely with the teenage group and the subject matter we're covering can get very personal. Is there some kind of party line as to how much personal information we are allowed to share with them? This question came out of a previous experience as a counselor when there was a camper who clearly needed support and guidance but due to restrictions on how personal a counselor can get with a camper, I never was able to sit down and talk out the issue with the camper in question. I always have felt badly about it, and it was part of the reason I didn't return to that job. Faye assured me that we can share as much as we feel comfortable sharing, which put me at ease. I don't particularly feel the need to fill the group in on the details of my personal life, but being able to be frank and honest about their questions and concerns is key in establishing trust and open communication.
This past fall I watched a movie for class called Dreamworlds 3: Desire, Sex and Power in Music Video. The first time I watched it, I was completely blown away. My family didn't get cable until I left for college (how convenient) so I've never been particularly well-versed in the world of MTV or music videos, but I think even those who grew up watching the channel will be shocked and appalled once the images are put into context. The film does a beautiful job connecting the highly constructed portrayals of femininity and masculinity from the "dreamworld" of music videos to real-life street harassment, sexual assault, stalking and rape. The entire film can be viewed on YouTube, and I encourage everyone to see it. I'd really like to show this film to the group and discuss how these images play directly into rape culture, but it's a little long and I want to keep them engaged. What I'm probably going to end up doing is just showing selections interspersed with discussion. I think (and hope) they'll be able to relate to the analysis the film puts forth, particularly when it comes to experiences of street harassment (which is sadly common in New York - I've been here since Friday and I've been whistled at, catcalled at, and been subjected to unwanted advances more than a few times). I have to admit, I'll be a little disappointed if they're not as into it as I am, but I suppose I'll have to wait and see.
On a side note, I keep a tumblr that focuses primarily on abortion as well as a number of other queer and feminist issues (and arguing with 15-year-olds who have a bad habit of essentializing, slut-shaming and victim-blaming), but today I got a message that made it all worth it:
"I'm seriously considering renaming my blog 'what naomiwaxman said.' Thanks for the always erudite and on-point posts. It gives me something to aspire to."
Just that one little comment made my day. It's amazing how much a little positive reinforcement can reinvigorate a person.
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 1
The day went better than I could have imagined. I arrived about five minutes early and immediately ran into Faye, the lovely director of the TORCH program. Apparently the other intern called in sick, so Faye didn't really want to go through the orientation material without her which was completely understandable. We walked around the office and I was introduced to a whole bunch of people (I'm not great with names so I have a feeling I'll need to introduce myself a few more times). The office is gorgeous, with lots of light, and everybody was incredibly nice. The whole experience was kind of surreal.
Faye showed me the folders with the various activities for each topic (abortion, sexual orientation & gender identity, body image, etc.) and I started going through some of the more outdated handouts from the sexual orientation and gender identity. I think that to truly understand things like transgender issues and even feminism for that matter one needs to understand the terminology. For example, understanding the difference between sex (biological aspects of being male or female: chromosomes, genitalia, hormones - primary and secondary sex characteristics) and gender (social phenomena associated with masculinity, femininity) is key in understanding transgender identities. While I don't profess to be any kind of expert on trans issues, I believe I've had enough academic and personal experience with the topic to outline and discuss the basics so I mentioned to Faye that I may want to spend some time specifically focusing on trans issues with the group. There are lots of terms so I started taking pre-existing lists of terms apart and rearranging them into a more cohesive list. I've added a few terms as well (pansexuality, genderqueer) but I have to be careful not to get ahead of myself. It's going to be a little tricky planning to do activities and discussions because I'm not really sure how familiar they are with these concepts and terms, so I guess I'll have to somewhat play it by ear.
My parents left today, it was really fantastic having them here to help me move in and adjust to life in the city. I had very little turn-around time between school ending and arriving in New York, and I honestly couldn't have done it without them. They have been so supportive of me, both in coming to the city and with the work I'm doing. I miss them and my boyfriend terribly, but I know this is an important experience for me to have.
Hopefully one of the women at the office is going to connect me with a clinic escort program, so I can volunteer with them on the weekends, and I'll probably be tabling at Manhattan Pride. If you're in the city and need some condoms, come on by!
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Faye showed me the folders with the various activities for each topic (abortion, sexual orientation & gender identity, body image, etc.) and I started going through some of the more outdated handouts from the sexual orientation and gender identity. I think that to truly understand things like transgender issues and even feminism for that matter one needs to understand the terminology. For example, understanding the difference between sex (biological aspects of being male or female: chromosomes, genitalia, hormones - primary and secondary sex characteristics) and gender (social phenomena associated with masculinity, femininity) is key in understanding transgender identities. While I don't profess to be any kind of expert on trans issues, I believe I've had enough academic and personal experience with the topic to outline and discuss the basics so I mentioned to Faye that I may want to spend some time specifically focusing on trans issues with the group. There are lots of terms so I started taking pre-existing lists of terms apart and rearranging them into a more cohesive list. I've added a few terms as well (pansexuality, genderqueer) but I have to be careful not to get ahead of myself. It's going to be a little tricky planning to do activities and discussions because I'm not really sure how familiar they are with these concepts and terms, so I guess I'll have to somewhat play it by ear.
My parents left today, it was really fantastic having them here to help me move in and adjust to life in the city. I had very little turn-around time between school ending and arriving in New York, and I honestly couldn't have done it without them. They have been so supportive of me, both in coming to the city and with the work I'm doing. I miss them and my boyfriend terribly, but I know this is an important experience for me to have.
Hopefully one of the women at the office is going to connect me with a clinic escort program, so I can volunteer with them on the weekends, and I'll probably be tabling at Manhattan Pride. If you're in the city and need some condoms, come on by!
Kisses and contraception,
Naomi
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I will begin my journey.
Well, I suppose my journey has already begun. I arrived in New York this past Friday, spent the past two days figuring out how to get from point A to point B (it's a bit trickier than it sounds - I've had one subway mishap already) and tomorrow is my first day at NARAL.
I have the distinct pleasure of interning with the TORCH Program (Teen Outreach Reproductive CHallenge). According to the NARAL website, "TORCH is a nationally recognized program that combines peer health education and leadership training of New York City youth, placing a strong emphasis on empowerment and team building.
Through peer outreach, community organizing, public speaking, and addressing the critical issues of reproductive health care, young people build their self esteem, learn leadership skills, and make responsible choices in their lives."
So basically, I'll be working with a group of teenagers from all over NYC, teaching them "to give presentations on a range of adolescent health issues to interested youth groups and schoools city-wide."
Needless to say, I'm nervous, excited and a little bit terrified. I want to do a good job so badly, to help imbue these young people (who, now that I think about it, are not much younger than myself) with knowledge and confidence.
Tonight I'm a little too anxious to be articulate, but I'll be blogging throughout my time at NARAL this summer. I suppose I should at least attempt to get some sleep... I'll certainly have more to say tomorrow!
xo Naomi
Well, I suppose my journey has already begun. I arrived in New York this past Friday, spent the past two days figuring out how to get from point A to point B (it's a bit trickier than it sounds - I've had one subway mishap already) and tomorrow is my first day at NARAL.
I have the distinct pleasure of interning with the TORCH Program (Teen Outreach Reproductive CHallenge). According to the NARAL website, "TORCH is a nationally recognized program that combines peer health education and leadership training of New York City youth, placing a strong emphasis on empowerment and team building.
Through peer outreach, community organizing, public speaking, and addressing the critical issues of reproductive health care, young people build their self esteem, learn leadership skills, and make responsible choices in their lives."
So basically, I'll be working with a group of teenagers from all over NYC, teaching them "to give presentations on a range of adolescent health issues to interested youth groups and schoools city-wide."
Needless to say, I'm nervous, excited and a little bit terrified. I want to do a good job so badly, to help imbue these young people (who, now that I think about it, are not much younger than myself) with knowledge and confidence.
Tonight I'm a little too anxious to be articulate, but I'll be blogging throughout my time at NARAL this summer. I suppose I should at least attempt to get some sleep... I'll certainly have more to say tomorrow!
xo Naomi
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